Hiding Boys in Closets

So it was my sophomore year in college, family weekend. My parents and sister were to come down Friday afternoon to spend the weekend with me.

Naturally, I still wanted to go out the night before they came, and knew that I'd have plenty of time to cure my hangover before they arrived. Well, I went out with a big group of friends, and brought the guy I was seeing at the time (we'll call him Billy) back to my apartment with me, warning him that he'd have to leave the next morning before my family got there.

Well, 8 a.m. rolls around and I hear my phone ringing. I wake up, all frazzled, hair a mess and scurry to find my phone, careful not to wake up snoring Billy next to me.

"Hi dad. . . you guys on your way?" (Just so you know, my family is from CT and I went to school in VA so the commute is 7.5, 8ish hours.

"RACHHH! We're hereeeeeeeeeee!!!"

"WHAT?! Where?"

"We're at your front dooooor. Come let us in. We were gonna come jump on you but your door's locked!"

THANK GOD for that. Our door had been broken for quite some time, and unable to lock, and we had just gotten it fixed a few days before.

But back to reality. SHIT SHIT SHIT. My parents are at the front door and there's a half naked dude in my BED.

Now my heart is really pounding. I shove Billy to wake him up. "Huh? What's going on?"

"You need to get out. GET UP. Get out! My parents are here!"

"Well, where do I go?"

"Just grab your stuff and go in here!" I shouted to him, as I shoved him into our "spare room." We had "spare room" that year, which turned into our pet bunny rabbit Mosley's room. It reeked of rabbit food and rabbit poop, and was stuffy and hot as hell, but it was my only option. THANK GOD for the spare room, I tell ya. To make it even funnier, what I didn't know at the time was that my roommate had shoved the guy she was dating then in the Bunny Room as well early that morning. So there were two guys in their boxers shoved in one small room with a pet rabbit. Just picture it.

Anyway, I throw on a shirt and some pajama pants and rush to the front door, sweating and disheveled to greet my family, and put on my "be cool" act, giving out hugs left and right and telling them how happy I was that they had made it here so early. Really, in my head I wanted to die and I was prayinggg they wouldn't take a "grand tour" of our apartment.

Luckily, my mom and dad offered to go get me some coffee at Starbucks, and left my sister with me alone for about half an hour.

I used this time wisely, and we released our guys and told them to leave quickly. The poor guys had no way of getting home, so they both walked down the road in the pouring rain, and called some friends to give them a ride. Watching them walk down the road from our porch was just priceless, I tell you. Priceless.

Awkward Moments Laying in Bed (**Relatives Who Read: Warning Sexual References Are Made)

So an anonymous friend of mine (we'll call her Lucy) was dating this 27-year-old guy a few months ago. (We'll call him Chris). Well, they were out on their third date and things had been going pretty well. Chris was a tid bit shy, but he had been super nice to her and their weren't any red flags or skeletons in the closet yet.

Well date #3 he pulled the whole "You live far away...It's getting really late" card to lure/guilt her into sleeping over. After some PG rated hooking up, kissing, cuddling and such they were shooting the shit and started to share stories about their lives.

Well, Lucy found herself doing most of the talking and convo was getting a bit dull, so she decided to add some pizazz to the conversation and boldly popped the question to lighten the mood. "

"Sooo, what's your favorite position?" Lucy perkily asked.

Chris responded, "Um..Small forward..."

(Convo now got silent and things got a bit awkard, as Lucy puzzled over the possibility that there is some crazy position she didn't know of...like sex in a ball, leap frog style??)

Then Chris continued....
"And sometimes I like to play shooting guard."

Well, now convo got super awkawrd, and Lucy realized this was no joke....Chris had really thought she was talking about basketball.

When Lucy remained silent, the lightbulb finally went off for slow Chris....

"Oh, wait what are you talking about, sex?"

Weird Pick Up Lines and the Sort

So today at work, I had one of the most awkward, funniest of pick up lines used on me. I was standing behind the desk, daydreaming in my own little world, when a 50-something gentleman came up and asked me for an extra squash ball. As I frantically scurried around trying to find him one, I realized we were indeed out of them, but I decided to check in the closet for the fun of it. As I reached up to check the top shelf in the closet for some spare balls, I realized this man indeed followed me into the closet. Now, I am not really one to like small, crowded spaces, but then again who is? So at this point I'm starting to feel a tid bit uncomfortable and congested. I like my space, what can I say.

Anywho, when the man then asked me where I was from, I thought nothing of it and thankful the awkward silence in the closet was breaking. "Connecticut!" I replied cheerfully. "Oh, you look as though you are from the heavens," he projected back to me, with a winning grin.

From the heavens? What does that even mean? That I look like an angel? That I am an angel? That I am dead? That I look dead?

I didn't know what else to do but laugh. When I'm nervous or at loss of words, that's what I do: laugh.I guess it's kind of an unfortunate habit of mine, because this leaves me giggling almost 24/7: when I'm nervous on a date, when I don't understand someone's question, when I don't hear someone, or when I truly really do think someone is funny. But since I'm always laughing, it's hard to tell when it's a real laugh. Only my true friends know the real laugh.

But, back to the pick up line. What else is there to do really, but laugh? What does one say to that? So I laughed, and then walked out of the closet as fast as I could.
It cracks me up, really, the things guys will say. So I guess the laugh was semi genuine, as I do find these things rather funny.

The other day, I had another funny one, except this guy was at the other end of the age spectrum: 19 years old. I was at the gym doing a "photoshoot" for our new brochure that's coming out. Therefore, I had to model the gym, doing different exercises as the photographer snapped and snapped away. It was kind of fun if I do say so myself. But back to the point. My little 19 year old "secret admirer" was staring at me the entire time during my little bit. At first I thought he must be waiting for a machine or something, but then I realized no, he indeed was just lurking and staringggg.

After I was finally done, he followed me out into the hallway and gave me one of those guy "fist pound" things they do. You know, the sort of upgraded handshake deal, which sometimes includes some type of sound effect like a "swoosh" or a "pshhhh" noise. I don't really get it, but hey I don't really get a lot of things guys do, hence this blog.

But it's cool I guess if that's your thing. Anyway, after the fist pound shpeel, 19-year-old then said, "Wow! Just WOW! I am so impressed! You have such strong knees!!"

WHAT? WHAT??! Strong knees?

"No I don't, it was just a lunge. It's my legs!"

"No, you have really strong knees. It's reallllyy impressive. I'm just really impressed!"

That may have been the funniest, most awkward thing anyone has ever told me.

But hey, I guess I have strong knees. I'll take it as a compliment?

Ok, I am now rambling. I will go.
Have a lovely night all!
Peace out. Fist pound.